this morning i had a dream about you. i woke up, reviewed the details in my head so i wouldn’t forget, and now 15 hours later, i forgot. FUCK!
i’m really upset with myself, because these dreams don’t happen as often as i would like them to, especially happy ones.
5 minutes have passed and despite all my brain power to remember, i can’t. visit me again soon Dad. school blows and i really wish i could hear your voice to motivate me.
we were walking back to the car, and someone was robbing it. without thinking twice, you ran after him, but the stupid guy hits you and knocks you to the ground. so angry, i go after him too, but i lose him in the crowds. i go back and you’re not there, just family acting like everything is ok. i’m upset but Jane tells me the only thing stolen was my computer, and not my wallet. but by that time, you were no where to be found.
funny thing about this dream is that it’s a reflection of what happened to Chad and me in Paris. these two people tried to rob us by decoy but Chad was quick enough to tackle him down and get our stuff back.
miss you Dad. you always protected our family and stood up to anyone who threatened us. i hope to have half your bravery.
…and i couldn’t keep it together. this quarter is really going to test me. i don’t have a roommate to keep me company. Zulu and the girls can only keep my thoughts positive for so long. i’m not that close with my classmates and the ones in town, i don’t want to bother because of our different schedules. i really hope i can focus in and just pull through this last stretch of didactic year. it’s not like my classmates where they are all drained from the consecutive sessions. i’m actually probably at an advantage for having a break. i just don’t have the same interest in the material. my heart just isn’t in it like it was before. it doesn’t help that my program director, the woman that actually influenced my decision to go to school in Las Vegas, is retiring early. her husband, who is also my teacher, his cancer has spread. this story is all too familiar and i know what it means – time is of the essence and life is about to change in a flash. i’ve never doubted myself so much and i pray i can still do this.
time passed so fast yet so slow without you Dad. i wish i could be there to lay on your grass and feel close to you. but i’m stuck in the realm that is school, surrounded by the medicine that couldn’t save you. i don’t want time to pass because that just means i’m living without you, something that never crossed my mind, something i believed i wasn’t ready for until maybe age 40. but i also know time means i’m gaining some sort of strength, some understanding, some happiness. i try so hard to block all the days that led to your passing. the anger, the frustration, the guilt. i try to remember the good things then.
like when you called me to your bedside to tell me to stop crying. you were so strong for me when i should of been strong for you.
when i made it just in time to say i love you before your first intubation. you squeezing my hand through it all.
July 3 – you being strong for all of us to have one more day. when we asked you what you were thinking, all you did was point at us. Zedd just released his song with Ariana Grande. we danced to Destiny’s Child’s “Yes” and Pharrell’s “Happy”. we looked at pictures of the dogs. we played candy crush and hangman. i love you Dad so much for giving that moment to us. for agreeing to be intubated again so family everywhere could see you one more time. you were strong Dad. you gave it your all and now you are at rest, watching over us. i have to believe this was the plan all along. i have to believe that you were meant to be my sun, moon, and all the signs that will lead me through this life. i have to believe you lived your life to its fullest and all that you are will flourish through Mom, Jeanne, Jane, and me. i know i will falter and wish for your texts and calls, your cooking, your smile and laughter. i will wish for these things every second of the day, but i have to believe it will come, in this lifetime or the next that i will be with you again. until then, i will see you in my dreams.