time passed so fast yet so slow without you Dad. i wish i could be there to lay on your grass and feel close to you. but i’m stuck in the realm that is school, surrounded by the medicine that couldn’t save you. i don’t want time to pass because that just means i’m living without you, something that never crossed my mind, something i believed i wasn’t ready for until maybe age 40. but i also know time means i’m gaining some sort of strength, some understanding, some happiness. i try so hard to block all the days that led to your passing. the anger, the frustration, the guilt. i try to remember the good things then.
like when you called me to your bedside to tell me to stop crying. you were so strong for me when i should of been strong for you.
when i made it just in time to say i love you before your first intubation. you squeezing my hand through it all.
July 3 – you being strong for all of us to have one more day. when we asked you what you were thinking, all you did was point at us. Zedd just released his song with Ariana Grande. we danced to Destiny’s Child’s “Yes” and Pharrell’s “Happy”. we looked at pictures of the dogs. we played candy crush and hangman. i love you Dad so much for giving that moment to us. for agreeing to be intubated again so family everywhere could see you one more time. you were strong Dad. you gave it your all and now you are at rest, watching over us. i have to believe this was the plan all along. i have to believe that you were meant to be my sun, moon, and all the signs that will lead me through this life. i have to believe you lived your life to its fullest and all that you are will flourish through Mom, Jeanne, Jane, and me. i know i will falter and wish for your texts and calls, your cooking, your smile and laughter. i will wish for these things every second of the day, but i have to believe it will come, in this lifetime or the next that i will be with you again. until then, i will see you in my dreams.