infinity

so it’s been about 2 months since i moved back home and it has been rough. at first, i was eager to get back. i wanted to be a part of my dad’s health care and make sure he was being treated well. luckily i already have a background in medicine, so appointments went well with no question unanswered. i drove him to his radiation every day, in addition to his chemo once a week. i was diligent to the point where my presence became clearly known among his health care team. but what helped was that my dad was still strong and independent. the side effects hadn’t really affected him yet, so everything seemed… normal.

until now, where the side effects have come full on and my dad’s attitude has completely changed. i know everyone in my family is experiencing all kinds of emotions, even though it seems like we all have it together and have adapted to my dad’s needy schedule. but i can’t help but feel the most frustrated because of what i don’t have and what everyone else does – that is a life. one might think i’m being absolutely selfish feeling this, but i don’t see it that way. i wish i could feel okay about living back home, a place where i was dying to leave to start anew. i wish i could feel okay about not having a job and relying on my family and Zulu, a position that makes me feel spoiled and trapped. i wish i could feel okay about “taking a year break from school” and having “free time”, while i watch others work hard and move forward towards their goals and dreams.

my sisters are lucky that they don’t have to spend their entire days home, waiting on my dad and experiencing his pain and negativity. they have their own homes, jobs, and relationships to escape to. as for me, i only have pieces of that. a year might not seem like a long time, but days spent doing things i don’t want to do makes it feel like infinity. i know that this is a process and i should have expected the role of caretaker to be a big part of my return, but when you’re with a very negative person who seems like he’s giving up, i can’t help but be depressed.

but with bad days, comes good days, and i try to stay positive off of that. i try to look forward, with my head held high and my heart open, taking each day as it comes, for infinity.

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2 thoughts on “infinity

  1. Stay strong Judith! Although it’s not the same, I dealt with a similar situation back at home for years with my dad. He suffers from chronic back and leg pain from a terrible car accident he was in when he was 21. Hearing his negativity and hearing him talk about his pain EVERYDAY is a drag and it takes quite a toll on a person. The hardest thing for listeners like us to do is realize that all this person does is suffer — they know nothing else but agony. So us being there to listen is the only thing that brings a bit of solace. It takes a lot out of us to hear sadness and negativity on a daily basis though, so you just have to be strong through it. He needs you and you’re there for him. What an awesome daughter.

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